Chapter Text
Breakfast had become their new routine, and they’d just wrapped up. Before leaving, Adam gave Lawrence his number and assured him he’d be back. “I just feel like such a huge dick for-”
“Adam, please stop beating yourself up.” Lawrence rested his palm, heavy and comforting, on the younger man’s shoulder. “I’m not upset, and I didn’t take it personally. We’re both processing a lot right now. The fact that you’re here now speaks volumes.”
Adam nodded. “I know, I just…” Don’t know what I’d do with myself if you didn’t forgive me. Couldn’t forgive myself for hurting you. Owe you my life. “I’m gonna try to get my place cleaned up. I’ve got measurements on your chair, so I’m gonna rearrange some furniture. Just keep in mind that it’s…” He stopped talking and laughed. “It’s a dump. The whole complex, just an absolute sh*tshow. And if you get there and don’t wanna stay, I’ll help you find something better.”
“I want to stay with you, Adam. I already know what my other options are, but I’d be much more comfortable staying with another person, especially one I trust.”
“I won’t be offended if you change your mind later.” Adam laughed softly through his nose and stood up. Lawrence’s hand fell from his shoulder, his fingers inadvertently and lightly grazing the younger man’s chest as he quickly rose to his feet, setting the skin beneath them on fire as they trailed down. “Anything at all I can bring you back? You’ve gotta be sick of hospital food by now.”
Adam could tell from the look on his face that Lawrence was mulling it over. “No, no, I’m fine.”
“Tell me what you want. I know it’s not another sh*tty cold cut sandwich and potato chips.”
Lawrence’s head dropped and he laughed. “I haven’t had lasagna in a while. I got some spaghetti from the cafeteria for lunch yesterday but it didn’t, you know, scratch the itch. But please don’t go out of your way. Just a little frozen, microwaveable one would be fine, but-” He shook his head. “No, no don’t worry about it.”
Adam leaned down, getting his face close to Lawrence’s, trying to maintain his best serious face. “I’m going to find you the best f*cking lasagna this town has to offer. You want garlic bread, too?”
There was a distinct pink flush in Lawrence’s cheeks. “Adam, you don’t-”
“What? You more of a breadstick man?” Finally Adam broke into a grin, laughing as he stood upright and started toward the door. “I’m bringing you lasagna, so help me God.”
As it turned out, the highest rated lasagna in town was not very highly rated, so Adam found himself at the grocery store. He needed to grab a couple of things for the apartment in preparation for Lawrence’s arrival, anyway, and he figured he could cook and clean simultaneously. Doing one or the other for himself was an insurmountable task most days, but doing them for someone else had him feeling not only motivated but full-blown domestic.
He loaded up the belt at the register with his items. Fresh sausage and produce, the most expensive box of lasagna noodles on the shelf, various seasonings and cheeses, a loaf of Italian bread… As he watched the cashier scan and bag the items, he wondered for a moment if it was excessive. He’d never made any kind of sauce from scratch. Hell, he’d never made a lasagna. But surely it would be better than some 3 out of 5 stars dish from some restaurant he’d never even heard of. He added his last few items to the belt -fresh sheets, a new pillow, and cleaning supplies- and as bag after bag was filled and put back into his shopping cart, he realized he’d be making multiple trips from the car to his apartment. He tentatively put weight on his ankle, wincing at the pain and resigning himself to needing the crutches, at least for anything outside of hobbling around at home. Hopefully by the time Lawrence is home-Adam scoffed to himself at the thought. Home?“Why the f*ck would I-”
“Pardon?”
Adam looked up at the cashier, rattling his thoughts back into place. “Sorry. Just… lot on my mind.”
“No problem at all. Your total’s $117.77.”
“Christ… Sorry! Sorry, not your fault.” The cashier smiled as Adam fumbled with his wallet, pulling out cash and counting it out. As grateful as he was that Lawrence had volunteered to help cover rent, it pained him that he couldn’t afford not to accept the offer. He knew Lawrence would insist even if Adam didn’t need the help, but after handing over all but $10 of the cash in his wallet to the cashier, he knew he’d need it. “Should be 120 there, I totally could’ve miscounted though.”
The cashier smiled and counted the bills, swiping a counterfeit pen along them smoothly. “S’all here!” She entered the total and the drawer popped open, allowing her to grab his change. “Do you need any help out to your car? I see you’ve got crutches, I’d be more than happy to call someone.”
“Nah, I’m good I think. Temporary little setback. Thank you though.” Adam slid the crutches into the basket with his groceries and used the cart as a walker, slowly making his way out the door and to his car.
Wrangling all of his shopping bags had, in fact, been a hassle, but after 3 trips back and forth to his car, Adam got everything upstairs. He collapsed on the couch with a whine, catching his breath before mentally preparing himself to start on a whole new set of tasks. “Alright, one thing at a time…” Adam’s eyes scanned the coffee table, finally landing on a small notebook and pen. He sketched out three columns, making individual to-do lists for making the lasagna, cleaning the apartment, and taking measurements and rearranging furniture accordingly, adding a small note at the bottom with an asterisk reminding himself to call his landlord about having grab bars installed in the bathroom. He stood up, putting gentle pressure on his ankle and finding it at least tolerable before hobbling to the kitchen.
Once the sauce was simmering on the stovetop, Adam set an alarm and got to work taking measurements throughout the apartment. He pulled out the hideaway bed, awkwardly scooting furniture around as best he could, mumbling apologies aloud to his downstairs neighbors for what was surely a nightmare cacophony of noise. Due to his meager collection of furniture, very little had to be rearranged, and he felt confident that Lawrence would be able to navigate the common spaces in a wheelchair with ease. He double checked the sauce on the stove before heading to his bedroom.
If any room was going to be difficult to rework, it would be this one, but he’d promised Lawrence the bed. Not that his springy, hand-me-town twin mattress was particularly comfortable, but the cushioned mattress topper made it tolerable, at least more so than the hideaway bed. After some consideration, he opted to move the nightstand out of the room entirely. There was wiggle room in the living room, and he’d need his own nightstand anyway. Certainly to his downstairs neighbors’s dismay, Adam began scooting furniture around, getting the bed against a wall and creating a better path with ample room for turning around. As soon as he sat down to catch his breath, the alarm for the sauce went off, and Adam shuffled into the kitchen.
He lifted the lid and gave it a slow stir, pleasantly surprised at how well it seemed to have turned out. “Hell yeah, Stanheight, look at you go…” After double checking the recipe, Adam set the temperature on the oven, allowing it to preheat while he milled around, preparing the rest of the ingredients.
After what felt like a lifetime of measuring and layering, Adam finally slid the assembled lasagna into the oven, setting the timer and breathing a sigh of relief before moving to the counter to start preparing the garlic bread. Most days it was pulling teeth to do so much as put a frozen pizza in the oven, but something about the fact that it was for someone else -for Lawrence- made Adam not only motivated but happy to spend time preparing a meal. He couldn’t see himself doing it daily, but maybe once Lawrence was here he could cook for him a couple times a week. Surely Lawrence knew his way around a kitchen and could teach Adam a thing or two or share some of his favorite recipes. Adam could imagine Lawrence washing dishes, a towel tucked in his waistband to wipe his hands on, and Adam standing at his side, drying and putting them away. Lawrence helping to put away things on the top shelves of the cabinet, otherwise underutilized because Adam couldn’t reach them without the folding stepstool he kept tucked between the fridge and the sink. Adam on his tiptoes reaching for something on top of the fridge, Lawrence’s hand on his lower back to help him bal-
“f*ck!” Adam dropped the bread knife and squeezed his finger, hurrying to the sink to rinse it off. He hissed in pain as the cool water spilled over his hand, stealing a glance at the bread, which fortunately appeared unblemished. Tears sprung to his eyes, not just from the pain but from frustration. Everything had been going so well so far. Now this was going to put him behind. He looked at the timer for the lasagna and realized he wouldn’t be leaving until probably 5:30, which was already past when Lawrence had been eating dinner. “Goddammit… Can’t manage time for sh*t. Should’ve waited to rearrange furniture, he’s not gonna be here for a week anyway, what was I thinking? Christ…” Adam grabbed a paper towel from the counter and wrapped it around his finger, holding it in place as he moved toward the bathroom to get a bandaid.
He fumbled through the near barren medicine cabinet and found a half-empty tube of Neosporin and a bandaid, patching his finger up quickly, before shutting the cabinet and stealing a glance of himself in the mirror. “Jackass…” His eyes were red and wet, and he rubbed his hands harshly along his cheeks, trying to dry them as he sniffled and fought back more tears. Finally he moved back to the kitchen and retrieved the knife from the floor. His hands were shaky as he washed and dried it before moving back to the bread on the cutting board. He looked over everything again, relieved that he’d managed to not spill any blood outside of the sink, and continued slicing the bread with trembling fingers before setting the knife down on the cutting board. “I should let him know I’ll be running behind.”
His phone was in the living room, and he slowly made his way to it, picking it up and dialing the hospital number, waiting for it to ring and prompt him for a room extension. When Lawrence answered, he briefly considered just hanging up. All he asked for was f*cking lasagna. How did I f*ck up something so simple?
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s me.” Adam turned his head from the receiver, hoping to mask his sniffle.
“Adam! Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, I just…” Of its own volition, Adam’s chin began to quiver and his throat tightened up. “Might be a little late for dinner.”
“That’s… that’s perfectly okay, but are you crying? Is everything alright?”
Adam sniffled again, slapping his palm to the side of his head as he did. “Yeah, no, I’m fine, I’m- I’m crying a little, but it’s nothing, I’m-”
“It’s not nothing. If you don’t want to talk about it that’s fine, but…” A heavy silence hung between them for a moment as Lawrence struggled to find his next words. “I… I want you to be okay. I care about your well-being.”
A sob escaped Adam’s lips as he sunk down deeper into the couch, rubbing his hand over his head. “Just feeling overwhelmed. I tried to make a list and follow it, but then it was one thing after another and suddenly all I could see was everything I’d f*cked up. I’m so bad at prioritizing sh*t and planning and-”
“I guarantee you, whatever it is you’re working on, you have a lot to be proud of. You’ve got so much on your plate right now, Adam. The fact that you’ve even got the wherewithal to be making lists and running errands… I am so proud of you. And don’t let anything involving me cause you any unneeded stress, okay?”
Adam sniffled and rubbed his sleeve across his nose. “You don’t stress me out. I stress me out. I just suck at stuff. I’ll be fine. Just” sniff “it’ll probably be closer to 6:00 when I get there. I’m still bringing you dinner. I’m just sorry it’s gonna be late. I promise I wanted to be there on time. I hate that my own bullsh*t issues are interfering with your routine”.
“Adam…” There was a kindness in Lawrence’s voice that Adam didn’t recognize. Not from Lawrence specifically, but from anyone. He’d heard it before, sure, but never directed toward himself. A soothing sweetness that carried so much comforting weight that Adam might suffocate under the heaviness of it. He never realized his name was strong enough to hold the weight of so much unspokenit’s okay and I’m not mad and I appreciate you. “Prioritize yourself. Take some deep breaths, drink a glass of water, take a nap if you need to. Whether you show up at 6pm or 6am, I’m still going to be here, alright?”
Adam could feel his heart rate evening out, and he drew in a shuddering breath. “Thank you. Sorry to put all of that on you.”
“Oh, Adam…” His voice was sweet and soft, and Adam could practically feel the older man’s fingers in his hair again, his arm wrapping a blanket around them as he soothed him to sleep.
“Thank you, Lawrence. Really. I’ll see you in a bit. I… thank you.”
“See you.”
After the phone call, Adam was able to bring himself down a bit. The lasagna came out damn near perfect, and the boost it gave to his pride proved helpful in bringing his mood back up. He’d finished up the garlic bread, wrapping it up in aluminum foil and packing it up in a bag with two portions of the lasagna, forks, and napkins.
Next, he dug through his closet, finding a decent button-down shirt that wasn’t horribly oversized and a clean pair of jeans, more fitted than what he’d typically wear, but also much more presentable. He looked himself over in the mirror, setting his hair into place with a damp comb and brushing his shirt smooth with his palms. After a deep breath, the second guessing kicked in. “I’m overdressed.” He shook his head and headed back to the kitchen, grabbing the bag of food and his crutches and heading for the door.
When he arrived at the hospital, he made another stop in the gift shop. He immediately headed toward the floral section and started looking through the small vases again before a larger bouquet caught his attention. It was full of wildflowers, bursting with colors Adam didn’t even know flowers could come in, beautiful pastels in every hue with flashes of bright yellow and pink, framed with long, fragrant stems of lavender. He checked the price tag -$8.99- and remembered the single $10 bill in his pocket. On one hand, Lawrence would almost certainly tell him to save his money. But on the other, Adam couldn’t shake the look on Lawrence’s face when he’d surprised him with a much smaller, plainer bundle of carnations. Adam would eagerly and recklessly spend every penny he had to his name to have Lawrence look at him like that again. “sh*t… A vase.” Adam looked around and made eye contact with an employee. “Excuse me?”
A chipper young woman approached him. “Yes sir! What can I do for you?”
“Do you think I could get, like, a cup or something? Like to use as a vase? I, uh… can’t swing the cost of a vase til I get paid tomorrow” Liar “but I don’t want to risk leaving these out of water that long.”
She smiled and stepped behind the counter, reaching down and pulling out a green glass vase. “These are supposed to be used for displays, but I don’t remember the last time we used them. If you just leave it in the room when your lucky…”
“Um… friend.”
She smiled. “…is discharged, an orderly can just bring it back.”
He was practically buzzing with excitement and was biting the inside of his lip to ground himself. “It’s perfect, thank you. I’ll just fill it when I get to the room. Easier to bag it all up that way.” Adam set the bouquet on the counter and fished his wallet out, pulling out the single bill and handing it over. The cashier made change for him and bagged up the flowers and vase, sending him on his way with a smile and a thank you.
If it were possible to run on crutches with full hands, Adam was certainly doing it. A couple of days of the crutches were starting to wreak havoc on his arms and shoulder, but he was hoping within a couple more he’d be off of them entirely. In the meantime, however, he was clambering awkwardly and as quickly as possible into an elevator, trying to balance a bag in each hand. He had the car to himself, and as it made its ascent, he looked at his reflection in the shiny stainless steel door, again worrying that he’d done far too much. Individually a home cooked meal or a bouquet of flowers or the nicest outfit he could scrape up might be okay, but all together it felt desperate. But so are you. Before he had any more time to question it, the door opened, and he began the trek down the hallway to Lawrence’s room.
When he passed the nurses’s station he was greeted warmly. The nurse who’d tended to him during his stay spoke up with a smile. “He’s excited to see you. Bragged about you bringing him some good food.”
“Hopefully his hopes aren’t too high,” Adam laughed. “I’m not exactly a chef.” He continued the last few yards down the hall, nudging the door open with one of his crutches and entering slowly. “Knock knock.”
When he came around the curtain Lawrence was sat up in bed, reading glasses on and looking over a crossword puzzle. He immediately set it aside along with his glasses. His face was some cross of warmth and concern, an undeniable, warm smile paired with a furrowed brow. “How are you?”
“I’m okay. Mostly embarrassed.” Adam sat down, gently placing the bags at his feet before setting his crutches aside. “That was super weird of me to… I should’ve gotten my sh*t together better before I called. I’m sorry.”
Lawrence’s smile turned sympathetic. “At no point do I want you feeling the need to apologize to me for talking things out, alright?” Adam nodded. “I’m serious, Adam. Even without everything you’ve been through you’d need an outlet for that. I want you to talk to me, okay? Promise?”
“Promise.” Their eyes met, a comfortable silence falling over them for a moment before Adam finally broke it. “Sorry again about the late dinner. Hopefully it’s worth it though.” He started unpacking the food from the bag, setting their separate Tupperware containers on opposite ends of the rolling table between them and placing the forks and garlic bread in the middle, peeling back the foil. “Oh, and…” He pulled the bouquet and vase out of their bag, carefully taking the flowers out of the protective plastic around them and sliding them into the vase. “It’ll need water, but I figured you could use some color. It’s, like, aggressively beige in here.”
Adam thought for a moment he saw a slight quiver in Lawrence’s bottom lip. “Adam, you’re… God, thank you.”
“It’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing. You’re so incredibly generous. You have no idea how much that means.” Lawrence grabbed the vase, gently balancing it on his lap as he adjusted the flowers, arranging them just so before placing it on the nightstand beside him. He turned his head back to the table as the scent of the food wafted to his nose, Adam having opened his own container. “Oh my God, that smells incredible.” He grabbed one of the forks.
“Oh.” Lawrence’s eyes looked up and met Adam’s, who quickly diverted his gaze, a blush burning his face down to his chest. “Sorry, I don’t know wh-”
“Is…?” Lawrence set the fork down and slid it back across the table to Adam, picking up the other one and opening his Tupperware. “Thank you so much, Adam, this looks so-”
“Sorry, it’s dumb, I… If you want this one…” Adam nudged the fork back toward him.
Lawrence flicked his eyes up, meeting Adam’s with a smile. “I don’t have a preference. Some folks do, though, and that’s fine. Diana has a specific cup for when she’s drinking milk. Any other drink in any other cup is fine, but milk has its own special cup.”
Wonderful, I remind him of a child. His child.
As if reading his thoughts, Lawrence continued. “She gets it from me, I'm sure.” Their eyes met again. “Did I ever tell you how I only wear one brand of tennis shoe?” Adam shook his head. “Only one brand, and only one particular style at that. I don’t even want to think about the day they discontinue it.”
Adam nibbled his bottom lip. “Why just the one kind of shoe?”
“It’s comfortable.” A soft chuckle escaped his lips. “That’s about it. I’m sure other shoes are comfortable, too, but I know what I’m getting with this one. It’s as mentally comfortable as it is physically. There’s something very easy and safe about it. If I need a new pair of shoes, I know exactly what I’m getting without the whole process of trying them on and hoping they’ll feel right once they’re broken in. It’s an easy, safe, reliable thing.”
Adam nodded and picked up his fork. “It’s… I like the weight of it in my hand. It doesn’t have any weird texture on the handle. Sometimes those, like, engraved designs, you know? They’re distracting. It’s… Yeah, comfortable. Safe.”
Lawrence brought his fork to his mouth, taking a large bite of lasagna. “Oh my God!”
“Is that a good thing?”
“It’s a great thing.” A heavy breath Adam didn’t realize he’d been holding escaped his lungs and he smiled. “Where on earth did you get this?”
“Stop…” Adam was nibbling the dry skin of his bottom lip, the biggest smile he’d worn since he couldn’t remember when spreading across his face.
“Seriously!” Lawrence shoveled another bite into his mouth, covering his lips with a napkin as he continued talking. “It’s been so long since I’ve gotten a pasta dish at a restaurant, I don’t even know what’s around here anymore, but this is delicious.” His gaze went to Adam, his eyes on the table in front of them and an obvious flush across his face. “Did you make this?” The younger man’s eyes raised up, meeting Lawrence’s with a nod and a bashful smile. “Adam.”
“It’s just because you’ve been craving it. I’m sure on any normal day-”
“Stop it.” He set his fork down and reached over, grabbing Adam’s hand. “No more underselling yourself.” Their eyes met again. “Tell me what all you did today after you left here.” Their hands broke apart, and Lawrence grabbed a piece of garlic bread.
“I went to the grocery store. Well, I went home and found a recipe, then made a grocery list. Went to the store, bought food and some stuff for the apartment. Um, like, cleaning stuff mostly. Got some new sheets and a new pillow for when you get discharged and- my sheets were gross, I wouldn’t ask anyone to sleep on ‘em.” He chuckled nervously and continued. “Uh, came home and made the sauce, got it simmering. Did you know sauce takes f*cking forever to cook?”
“I’ve heard it’s a process.” Adam looked up at him. There was a soft, dreamy look in his eyes that sent Adam’s stomach straight to his chest and forced him to drop his eyes back to his own lap. He’s probably zoning out because you’re rambling.
“So while that was cooking I worked on making sure there was, like, adequate space… Like, measuring some stuff and moving some furniture. The bedroom was the worst, but you shouldn’t have any trouble in there now. Hopefully not. Then I got the lasagna in the oven. Um, the bread… I was slicing the bread and cut myself.” He held up his bandaged finger. “That’s when I kinda freaked out and panicked and called you. Which was so dumb, I’m sorry, it’s just, like, one little thing is all it takes sometimes, y’know?” He took a deep breath. “I still have, like, a sh*tload of cleaning to do, I didn’t even get started on it. But I was already behind, so…”
“So to recap,” Lawrence said softly. “You went to the grocery store, made a lasagna from scratch, rearranged the furniture in your apartment, and put on a nice outfit. All while on crutches with a sprained ankle and a gunshot wound in your shoulder. And then you brought a home cooked meal and flowers to the man who put the bullet in you? Did I get that right?”
Adam nodded, tears springing to his eyes. “That sounds right, yeah.” He looked up when he felt Lawrence’s hand on his again.
“You really don’t see how impressive that is, do you?”
“I mean, it’s just stuff that needed done, and in the end I was still behind schedule.”
Lawrence shook his head. “Adam, with all due respect, stop it. Give yourself credit. If anyone else told you they’d done all that, you’d be impressed.” Adam nodded. “Promise me something.”
“What?”
“Tomorrow, don’t do anything. Stay home, do whatever it is you do to relax, and just focus on yourself without feeling guilty for it.”
“What about you?”
“I’ll be fine.”
“I mean, what if seeing you is what helps me relax?” He hadn’t meant to say it. If nothing else, he hadn’t meant to say it so directly.
Lawrence squeezed his hand and smiled. “Then come see me. But don’t be afraid to dress down. Even though you look… very nice.”
Adam sucked in a breath, smiling nervously and gently pulling his hand back. “Don’t get used to it. This is my one half decent outfit.” He grabbed a piece of bread and took a bite. “Did I under-cheese this?”
“Everything’s perfect.”
